Happy Fathers Day.

Fathers day has always been kind of a touchy subject for me. On one hand I get to thank God for Steven Eugene Graham; the man that stood up to be the best Father I could ever imagine, even when he didn't have to. On the other hand, I have to ask why? For those of you who don't know, my real Dad was killed in a car accident a few months before I was born, leaving my Mom alone to raise me. My Dad was killed because he'd been out at a bar all night drinking by himself, took off around three in the morning, forgot to put a seat belt on, and hit a patch of ice. All of this happened even though a similar accident had occurred a few months earlier landing him in a full body cast in the midst of summer. To be honest, I have no idea how much of the story is fact and how much I've created throughout the years, so I won't go into the details of that night. Needless to say, my Dad wasn't a hot topic growing up although sometimes I needed him to be. Every child needs to know that their Father existed and what he's like, even if he's not there. It's kind of hard figuring yourself out when you haven't met half of yourself. I've never understood my rebellious side. I've never known why my eyebrows are so ridiculous. I've never known where I got my nose from. Or my eyes. Or my sense of humor. I really needed him to be there during my childhood, or at least a better understanding of him. I always really struggled with a positive image of a relationship with a man because of it, and to be honest I still do today. I needed him to be here to tell me he was proud, and to be honest...every once in a while I could have used his opinion on something. It's hard for me to face the fact that although he chose to go out and drink that night, he chose not to put on a seat belt, he chose to drive too fast, he chose to spend a night away from his pregnant wife, he chose to pick up the bottle even though he promised not too....he didn't choose to die. He didn't choose to walk out of my life. It's been such a struggle in my mind to grasp this concept. Let's face it. It's his fault he's not here, but it wasn't his choice. It's not that he didn't want me, but if he truly wanted a relationship with me then he shouldn't have made so many terrible decisions that night. I wish that I had someone to talk to about all of this, but for the longest time my Mom acted as if nothing ever happened. I still don't like talking to her about it, because when she talks about it I see the hurt in her eyes. On a side note-- I'm not criticizing my Mom in the slightest. All of this has made my Mother the strongest woman I know. I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through half of the stuff she went through as a young Mom. She could have sat around and moped, but instead she picked up the pieces of her life and put them back together for me. She became so selfless in those first few years, and I think that's why we're still so close. I know my Ma would do absolutely anything for me, and I appreciate her more than anything in the World. I'm lucky to have such a loving, beautiful, caring, respectful, funny, and passionate Mom to look up to. She's my biggest role model. Although I'm full of hurt about my Dad at times, I know he's up there looking out for me. There have been moments when I know he's proud, and there have been others that I feel him laughing at my Mother's overreactions. Because I lost a Dad, I got to gain a Dad which is pretty cool when you think about it. My Mom remarried when I was six, and although we had serious problems when I was little, he's a wonderful man. I was always scared he'd take away my Mom's love, and that she'd have less time for me... but Steve has always been there for me just as much as my Mom has. It's incredible the love I've found in Steve. He's my Dad. And I'm so lucky to have such a hard-working Dad to look up to. He adopted me when I was eight, and since that moment I've had no doubt that he loves me as his own. So this fathers day, I'm sitting back and realizing that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. God has blessed me immensely. I have a Dad in heaven looking down on me and smiling, and I have a Dad here on Earth showing me the way every single day. Although the two have never met it's really cool to think that they have this bond. The love they have for me makes them closer than either of them will ever realize. Thanks, God. Your plan is perfect, even when nobody understands it at first. Reading my own story makes me realize that I need to trust you more. You know what you're doing. Also. In case you're wondering... The bird house is for my Dad. He loves Harleys :) Smart man.

-nicole.